Positive Parent Talk... Words are Powerful!

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Dear Diary, 
My mom is a nerd and is that is a compliment.  Isn’t imitation the best compliment?... well,I embrace the nerd in me.  She has akeychain that says “I love math” and her favorite t-shirt says something aboutpie being square.  She loves puzzles andreads- how nerdy J  I’d definitely select her as one of my “phonea friend” calls on “Who wants to be a millionaire?”.  She regularly exercises her brain and I can imagineher one day at the ripe old age of 110 with all her wits about her.   She is a mother of 6. She has been “teaching” and raising kids for a long time. I’d have toguess that as we grew up, she taught and nurtured us by referring to her own parentrole models, using her intuition and then by trial and error.  We turned out pretty good... well most of us.  Growing up, we shared our mom witheveryone.  Her mothering tactics extendedwell beyond her own children.  Our househad an open door policy- quite literally; our door was left open a lot of thetime like we “lived in a barn”.  My auntstell me that they often mirrored her and deferred to her for parentadvice.  Sometimes they’d say, “WWTD”…what would Tess do?
My mom impresses me because as smart as she is, she is not a“know –it-all”.  She is alwayslearning.  Einstein said something like…the more you learn, the more you don’t know.  As much as my mom is a teacher, she is astudent. As an adult with 20/20 hind sight, I ask her, “Why didn’t you teach usthis?... Why did you do that?”... she admits that she didn’t think about itlike that... or she didn’t know or she didn’t how to do that under thiscircumstance or another.  She did herbest… that is for certain.   
Now that we are grown and we have kids of our own, my mom’s knowledgehas reached a new level. She has a few degrees to prove it.  She is a middle school math and scienceteacher and she is constantly attending workshops.  She takes those personal development dayspretty seriously.  And lucky ME!... she sharesher master class lessons with me.  Like mostpeople, her learning is reinforced when she teaches someone else about it- I ama hungry student.  Here, I am paying itforward by sharing it with you.   
A few months ago we were reviewing her notes from her gradclass.  It taught ideas from Parent Talk,a book by Chick Moorman.  The subtitle isWords that Empower- Words thatWound…  How to Talk to Your Children inLanguage that Builds Self Esteem and Encourages Responsibility.  There is a partner book called Teacher Talkthat I wish/hope my kids’ teacher read.      Everything from my mom’s Parent Talk outline and notes madea lot of sense.  Some of it I was proudto say happened organically in my parenting. Many other positive parent talk phrases were not my natural reflexresponses.  And even more interesting tome was that things that I said all the time were well-intentioned but I learnedhow and why they send the wrong message. We as parents say that we sound like a broken record- I want the thingsI say over and over to be sending the right message.  I really wanted to integrate it into myparent talk.
It’s not easy to implement new parenting strategies.  It takes intentional practice.  So, spending the day with my mom and my kidswas good opportunities for us to try out some of the phrases that were new tome.  It was a little bit comical as everytime the kids approached me with something, I would very slowly and carefullychose the words that I said back to them. They noticed there was something different.  They flexed their eyebrows and cocked theirhead to the side. (“what’s going on with mom?”)   
So, that initial introduction to Parent talk happened monthsago that my mom and I were reviewing her notes. It was planting seeds for me… I got in some food for thought and alittle practice.  A few weeks ago, shejust gave me the book and when I found a few minutes to myself this morning, Igot it out. The first section was a good review and made me realize that I havemade some good changes.  Still some otherthings that we discussed a few months ago, didn’t things don’t seem to beworking. So, I’ve put into practice the things that we talked about months agoand some of the phrases really stuck for me- as they feel natural.  I truly believe that many of these thingshave empowered my kids and helped them to make the right choices. 
Here are some highlights from the first part of thebook:         
CHOICE
“Choose. Decide. Pick.” Add these words to your parent talk. The power of choice is amazing.  Teach children that they choose their ownacts… their attitudes and behaviors.  “Ifyou chose to have your chores done by 2pm, I’ll take you to the mall.”  “If you chose to keep whining, you aredeciding to go into timeout.” It really has a different ring than what I oftensay: “I am going to put you in time out if you don’t stop crying.”  I feel like the big bad cop when I say it thisway. Parents can be control (with less guilt) by giving the power of choice tothe child.
“Please make a difference choice.” Imply that you trust theyare intelligent enough to choose an appropriate response.  It is not threatening or scolding- justasking them to make a better choice.  
Offer kids 2 choices (that are both good) to let them practicemaking their own decisions.  “Do you wantfruits or vegetables?” I learned trick a while ago when it came to bedtimeroutine. “Do you want to lay with this bear or this bunny? Do you want to read1 book or 2?  Do you want to this song orthat one?” when the kids had a choice in the routine, they went along with theprogram. I find that my kids LOVE  toknow “the plan” and know that there are slight variations of their own choosing.
“You decide.” (when your inclination is to say “yes”)  Can I watch TV?... “if you don’t disturbanyone. You decide.” I like to think of this one more like “You decide if it’sa good choice.”… on occasions that it most likely is a fine choice.
“Check Yourself” Make them be responsible that they haveeverything… that they are acting right. Etc. Good thing to say.
“Check it out inside.” What’s your intuition say?
I AM…
It happens all the time… Kids come running from the playarea crying, “He called me __(a jerk/ stupid/ ugly) _____.” Self Talk- what we say about ourselves- should mean more than what anyone else says about us. Kids should learn to overpower anyone else’s ridicule with their own confidence. If someone says to you “You’re stupid.” it is just as silly as if they said “You’re a car.” The clear self talk that should happen in your head is “No I’m not.”


They say that a kid’s self image is instilled at a veryyoung age… usually before kindergarten. They have a list of things that they think they are. “I am____.” Parentsare completely responsible for creating that list for their kids.  I am special. I am loved. I am creative. I amgood at trying new things. I am nice. I am loving. I am strong and healthy. I ama good learner. I am coordinated.  I am agood listener. These are the things that I try to say to my kids all thetime. 
Other people often tell my kids that they are pretty, smart,so cute, funny…. These are all really nice compliments that we appreciate butthey don’t have to be the top-rated self-talks in their mind.  On the contrary, I hear other parents saythings about their own kids about them being lazy, aggressive, clumsy, and I amsure that they kids can hear it and it sinks into their self conscious andbecomes more and more true. Self-Talk is important for adults too… and I believe that wehave the power to rewrite what we think about ourselves.  I believe in constant and consistent personalchange for the better.  Other peoplesometimes “put me in a box” regarding something that they knew me for years ago…“I thought you didn’t like doing that?” Maybe at some point I didn’t, but that’s not forever.  I know lots of people who have negative selftalk causing low self esteem. They hold onto something they thought about themselvesgrowing up… “I am not athletic.” Well, learn a new sport… practice.  As adults we practice self affirmations- sayit aloud and it more likely to come true.         “Act as if” Teachkids to be a doer. If they are struggling at something, it is NOT helpful tosay “Sure you can, just try.”…………..  thatimplies that they will be able to do it as long as they try- which isn’t alwaystrue.  They may be afraid to even startthe action- encourage them to give effort and do it- even if it incorrect orimperfect at first. I am a proponent of “fake it til you make it”…. For thingsyou want to be true and happen… it eventually becomes a real and right.   If you are in a bad mood try forcing a smile...it will eventually stick.  If you arefeeling lazy… get up, start moving and you will be happy you did.  If you don’t really like something (that youwish you did), fake it until you actually will like it.
Sum it up in ONE WORD: Caring/ Self Control/ Faith/Willpower/ Effort/ Follow Through/ Love/ Courage/ Appreciation/ Honesty/ Respect(NOT Good/ Beautiful/  Excellent/ Super/Awesome)  I use the word awesome often…too much I’ll admit.  When my kids showme something, my reflex response is “awesome!” I’d think that is a good thing until I read this book and now I knowthere are better one word accolades. “Awesome” is an evaluation instead ofacknowledging the value and character that was exhibited.  I have to practice this one.  My 5 year old asks for evaluations all thetime.. “Mom, is this good? Did I do a good job? Does this make you happy? Are youproud of my for this?”  she is hungry forevaluation and I should be able to put it back on her to feel the satisfactionand I can share it with her… “I am proud for you.”… is less judging.  Just like I don’t like someone my own age tosay, “I am so proud of you.” That feels weird to me as if they are judging meand determined that they were proud.  Iwould love it if they said something like “I can see how much effort you putinto that.” Or “I noticed the courage it took for you to try that.”   
SETTING GOALS and TAKING ACTION    
“Let’s have a trial period and then you have to decide ifyou want to commit.” INSTEAD OF the idea of “Don’t be a quitter.” This was an interestingchapter.  I am a stickler forcommitment.  I don’t like to be thoughtof as starting something and not finishing it. In retrospect and after reading parent talk’s explanation, I gothinking.  I am proud of myself forgraduating college and I think more than anything else it shows that I can commitand complete things.  I remember in highschool, I was on 4 sports a year and the moment I was “on the team” I was committedto making it to every single practice and every single game and giving it myall.  So, we have established that commitmentis important however we don’t want our kids to be afraid to try new thingsworrying that they might be stuck doing (until the end) them even if they don’tlike them.  Today, I hesitate to try newthings and honestly, a lot of it is what I would tell my friends about this “newthing” and what if I don’t stick with it. Its only after I have been doing things for 5 years that I say tomyself, “okay, I do that, and I am not going to quit.”  I should allow myself a trial period J … and I will really bethinking about this for my kids too.     
“What’s your goal?” Make sure the goals are S.M.A.R.T. specificmeasurable attainable realistic timely Write down your goals. Look at iteveryday.
“Make a picture in your mind.” Close your eyes and talkthrough the details.  Describe the detailedpicture of a great outcome.
TWO MOST IMPORTANT PHRASES
“No.” Youngstersdeserve to know there are adults in their lives who draw lines and enforcethem, lovingly and consistently. “No” can be a complete sentence. “No” shouldnot be followed by “ok?”.  I think 90% ofgood discipline is to have clear lines and to enforce them. I find over andover that my kids appreciate plans and rules.
“I love you.” make this phrase meaningful and habit
These are my notesfrom just the first quarter of the book. It is really thought provoking stuff.  I’d love to hear if any of it resonates withyou.  What works for your parentingstyle? 
Sisterly love, Sarah