Dear Diary,
The universe has been begging me to share my thoughts on thesubject of death. They say it is part oflife... and now it’s a part of my blog. (Inever really planned to write about death.) I have been to 5 funerals in the last couple months.
Dealing with the News Initially
Sad and shocking news came recently in many forms- I saw onfacebook that an old high school friend passed away. I got a text from my brother that his bestfriend’s Dad passed away. I got a phone call from my sister that our uncleunexpectedly died. I heard word of mouthabout the passing of my friend’s grandma and a phone call about my brother inlaw’s grandpa. Also my best friend’s Dad died late last year. Thoughts rush through my mind as I hear thenews: When was the last time I saw them? Talked to them? Memories flood in. Who was closest to them and how might they befeeling?What do you do when you find out someone has passed?Personally, I get on the phone with my sisters. I want to know the why and thehow and what can I do? What should I do? I look up facebook statuses and find old photos. And then I wait to hear about what servicesare being planned- where can I go to gather with others who also knew the onewho passed away or their loved ones?
When we recently heard that my uncle Vinny died, I got onthe phone will all my sisters. Everyone got together at my aunt’s house thatnight and then again at my mom’s a few days later. Everyone was exhausted by the news but we hadto be together. We told stories. Wecried but I think we laughed twice as much. That’s what he would have wanted. Messages, posts and phone calls were flooding in from near and far abouthow much Vinny would be missed. All thereminiscing helped my Uncle Matt (his brother) write one of the greatesteulogies ever. We started to wonder ifUncle Vinny knew how much everyone loved him- his always positive, alwaysamazingly helpful nature! How would wefill the void of his being? His doings?!
Grieving
The grieving process is complicated and often surprising. There are many variables to the how you maydeal with death. It depends on how you wereraised to think about it. It depends onwhat your family does to deal with it. It depends on what you believe happens after death. Itcan depend on the life that the person led and the nature of your relationshipwith the individual. It doesn’t always matterhow close you were currently or whether you talked to the person recently ornot. It’s more about the way their lifetouched yours. Grieving is about dealingwith the idea that you won’t ever be able to see them again in the flesh. I think it is important to allow yourself togo through the grieving process. Putyourself in the position to address feelings you have in relation to the deathyou are dealing with. Don’t hold backtears. Don’t force them. The harsh reality could hit ya later- like a mac truckwhen you least expect it. Grieving cancome out in weird ways over the course of time. It can be shown as sadness, anger, anxiety, depression and other unusualbehavior.Many times we have to think about things we wish we wouldhave done or said. We think about whatwe could have done differently or wonder if we could have avoided thetragedy. I encourage you to talk aboutit. Write about the good times, squash the bad times. Think about the lessons learned from thatperson’s life. What is the legacy theyleft behind? Share with others what youare thinking as it will help you through the process and might help them dealtoo. Identify your feelings. Deal withthem- find peace with them. Death almostalways makes me about how much we should cherish every moment we have. It reminds us to show our love, speak our loveto the ones we love.
Talking with Kids
My kids are only 3 and 5 years old and already they’ve beenwitness to quite a few people’s funerals. I usually explain it as simply as I can. “I have some sad news to tellyou guys. Uncle Vinny died. He must have been sick but he didn’t reallyknow how sick he was. We won’t be able to see him anymore BUT we have GREAT memories about him. We shared greattimes with him. All of our great thoughtsabout Vinny will live in our hearts and we can think about him and talk abouthim whenever we want to… What is thegreatest things you remember about Uncle Vinny? When did you guys have the mostfun? Do you want to write a card for Granny?-She will really miss him since they spent so much time together and he took care of her.” 
My kids have come with us to their great grandparent’sfunerals and to the funeral home a few other times during visitationhours. We talk about it beforehand. It’s not usually a big deal- justanother party to them. Some people might argue but personally, I think that isokay to bring the kids along. They bring joy and new life to an otherwise sometimessad atmosphere. Attending the Visitation/Funeral
For the funeral of my old high school friend, I was experiencing grief but I wasn’t anywhere near the inner circle of family and friends whose dailylives would be affected by his death. Evenso, I was so saddened that he died at such a young age and so unexpectedly. He left behind his wife (who I knew well inhigh school) and 2 young boys. I knew I had to go to the visitation.I was talking on the phone to a friend of mine about meetingat the funeral of our old high school friend. My friend was really uneasy aboutgoing to the funeral home. He wasn’tsure what to say, what to think, what to wear or how to pay respect. He had only been to 1 other funeral in hiswhole life. All of a sudden I felt likean expert. I started to talk about howour family usually handles funerals. I explained that my parents always told methat the funeral is really for the people who survived. We gather to reminisce and talk about ourmemories and feelings. I explained that hewill be able to read the room as to how the family wants people to payrespect. Some funerals have a quiet whisperyatmosphere… “I’m so sorry to hear.” Hugs, handshakes, sign the guest book, saya prayer. Other times, the room is fullof people talking in a lively manner. Family is smiling, embracing, singing and telling stories. Our family tends to do the latter. Our eyes are red and puffy but we celebrate.
My friend said, “I wasn’t that close to him. I haven’t even seen him lately but I feellike I should go.” I explained to myfriend, that if any part of him wants to go, he should. It is nice to go and talk with other peoplethat are there. Reminisce on good timeswith the person who passed and talk about the wonderful characteristics thatyou remember best about that person. Goto the funeral to celebrate his life… that is paying respect. The family will love to see all the peoplecoming to support them, even if you don’t talk to any family. I told him all this and he told me sharedwith me later how helpful that perspective was.
Showing your Support
A lot of people send flowers. Funeral arrangements are beautifulBUT they are big, hard to transport back to people’s houses, they are expensiveand they die. Don’t get me wrong, I don’thate flowers but I think there are sometimes betters ways to show our love and support.Here are some ideas.Donate to a charity
Many people specific acharity to donate to in lieu of flowers. If not, you can make a donation and write the family a card.Donate Food
Families who are grieving a lost one and planning thearrangements are often too busy to cook. It is always nice to send a platter of veggies, cheese/crackers or lunch-meat. Edible Arrangements (fruit onsticks) are so nice and yummy! They can share all of this with guest or take ithome to enjoy. Homemade frozen dinners are a good idea that will come in handy inthe weeks to come.Special Talents?
What service do you do well that you could offer? Could youput together the photoboard? A video? Are you good at putting togetherslideshows? Do they need a hand moving things? Carrying/cleaning?Donate Music
We have a friend who plays the violin. We hired him for oneof our friends. My mom plays therecorder and sings in a choir. She hasoffered this to services.Check in LATER
There is a lot of initial shock and commotion when someonepasses away. I can imagine that whenthings settle down is when sometimes reality sets in. Do something for the family after the fact- lifegoes back to “normal”. Send a card… makea donation, give a little thoughtful gift… a week later… a month later… a yearlater.Planning the Celebration
As I have already explained, our family chooses to celebratethe life of the person who passed away. Thefuneral/memorial services really exhibit this idea. I’ve done a lot of eventplanning and a Good FUN funeral isn’t much different. You have to pick the date, time, location,invitations (word of mouth), music, food, drinks. For my Papa’s funeral and my Uncle Vinny’s wehad a Catholic service complete with great storytelling and musical ensembles. Matt told his life story and my mom’s choirsang. Brothers and sisters read from the bible and the grandchildren all sangalongside a guitar a family favorite “How Beautiful Heaven Must Be”. The kids brought flowers down the aisle. Afterward, we gathered for ice cream andcookies and a photo slideshow! Celebration! 
Things I just don’t get!
All that being said… Now I will share a couple of my personal opinions, areas of confusion and idea. I hope this doesn't seem insensitive- but I happen to think that many times weare giving into the peer pressure of tradition and there is a better way. I think that a lot of the traditions,protocols and expectations for the mourning family aren't right. Irealize that a lot of rituals were born out of religious and ancienttraditions. Most people don’t want toplan ahead or talk about what-if-I-die scenarios so all of the decisions forwhat happens next happen in a pressured, stressed and rushed time-frame. Loved ones of the person who passed away feela tremendous responsibility to honor their loved one with proper and acceptedactivities AND all of the decisions need to be made VERY quickly under sad(sometimes shocked) circumstances. Theysay the funeral business is very lucrative one and I can imagine why… impulsebuys and pressure shopping. I can only speak for the services that I havewitnessed. Mostly they have beenChristian-based arrangements in Midwest suburbia... I’ve alsoseen Jewish and Chaldean services as well but I wasn’t very close to the family. But I would love for some things to change or someone to help me understand it.
Laying out the body? Is that necessary? Many of my family membershave chosen for their organs to be donated and for their bodies to be cremated. Donate your organs... save a life: http://organdonor.gov/index.html It just makes more sense to me. Also, in that case, there isn’t as much of arush to get the celebration planned.
Funerals and Memorials Luncheon Should be a Potluck! I think it is so nice to get together and grieve and celebrate. BUT I don't see the point that a grieving family should feel pressure to plan a big luncheon and pay for it! (many can't afford it.) If I am invited to the luncheon, I go assuming that this this is the way they want to celebrate- but a part of me feels a little guilty or thinks about leaving the kids at home. Wouldn't it make more sense for the lunch to be a potluck? I'd be happy to bring a dish to pass.)
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